Inbetween

I'm an old soul.

This has been told to me by many people over the course of my life. Even as a child- I have a distinct memory of a Sunday School teacher commenting to my mother on how "old" I was for my age.

Makes Sense.


I became most aware of this myself as a teenager. I wasn't interested in anything my peers were. I listened to different music, wore different clothes, read different books. While other girls were dreaming about their future prom dates, I was making a list of qualities for my future spouse.

So, it comes as no surprise to me that at 23 years old, I am married with a house and a baby.

A stay at home mom at 23.



I love it.

You see, my priorities have changed. I understand that some of my friends may not get it. One day, they will. Getting my child to bed at a decent hour is much more important to me than dinner out with friends. Having a few quality hours with my husband is more precious to me than girl time. It's nothing personal.

Not to say I don't need those things. However, as a mother and wife, I am called to complete and total selflessness. So, it's a sacrifice. But for the most joyful of causes.

So what's "in between" about this? Well- most of the people I know my age aren't even married. My married friends are a few years older. The ones with kids are mostly in their 30's.

I'm in between.

I'm "too old" for the friends my age, but I feel a gap in maturity and wisdom between myself and other friends with children. The kind that only comes with time.


But you know what? I'm happy. I love where I am. Hearing Andrew's key in the door is the highlight of my day. Watching Isaiah play during his bath is the best part of our evening.

All this to say, be patient with me. I may seem flighty. I may seem reclusive. Or, I may just seem uninterested. Not true,

I'm just in between.

(im)Perfection

Now and then I'll catch myself under the delusion that I've got things together pretty well. You know- house, husband, baby, etc.

It never lasts long.

This past weekend was a lesson in my grave imperfection. The lesson has continued through the week as I've said so many stupid things- you know, when you're not thinking and you just say what's on your mind, not realizing that it can be taken offensively?

Yup, that's me.

And, when I care too much what people think of me (i.e. family..) I get defensive and feel the need to constantly prove my value. It's really obnoxious.

I've also done stupid stuff, too- from getting super frustrated with my baby, to ruining dinner (a hard pill to swallow, as I love cooking, and often pride myself on it...)

Point is..I'm not perfect. As much as I know it, it's still hugely shameful when I fail miserably. But, as my precious JenBush said, what a weight off my shoulders!

I can't be perfect. I don't have to be.

Someone else already did it for me :)

A Story

I try to read to Isaiah every day, even this early on. My favorite thing so far is the Jesus Storybook Bible. The author puts every Bible story into the perspective of Christ- from Noah's ark to Daniel in the lion's den. The introduction gets me every time :)

The Story and The Song
God wrote, "I love you"- he wrote it in the sky and on the earth, and under the sea. He wrote his message everywhere! Because God created everything in his world to reflect him like a mirror- to show us what he is like, to help us know him, to make our hearts sing. And God out it into words, too, and wrote it in a book called, "the Bible."
Now, some people think the Bible is a book of rules, telling you what you should and shouldn't do. The Bible certainly does have some rules in it. They show you how life works best. But the Bible isn't mainly about you and what you should be doing. It's about God and what he has done.
Other people think the Bible is a book of heroes, showing you people you should copy. The Bible does have some heroes in it, but (as you'll soon find out) most of the people in the Bible aren't heroes at all. They make some big mistakes (sometimes on purpose). They get afraid and run away. At times they are downright mean.
No, the Bible isn't a book of rules, or a book of heroes. The Bible is most of all a Story. It's an adventure story about a young Hero who comes from a far country to win back his lost treasure. It's a love story about a brave Prince who leaves his palace, his throne- everything- to rescue the one he loves. It's like the most wonderful of fairy tales that has come true in real life!
You see, the best thing about this Story is- it's true.
There are lots of stories in the Bible, but all the stories are telling one Big Story. The Story of how God loves his children and comes to rescue them.
It takes the whole Bible to tell this Story. And at the center of the Story, there is a baby. Every Story whispers his name. He is like the missing piece in a puzzle- the piece that makes all other pieces fit together, and suddenly you see a beautiful picture.
And this is no ordinary baby. This is the Child upon whom everything would depend. This is the Child who would one day- but wait. Our Story starts right where all good stories start. Right at the very beginning....

Beautiful

One of my favorite verses-
"He has made all things beautiful in its time, and has put eternity in the hearts of man." Ecclesiastes 3:11
It was on the order of worship for our wedding.

I love this promise, because I want to be beautiful.

I want the works of my hands to be beautiful. ( I really want to be her.)

I want to sing beautifully.

I want the words of my mouth to beautiful.

I want my home to be beautiful, smell beautiful, feel beautiful. I want anyone who walks through my door to feel instant peace.

I want my children to act beautifully.

I want the love between Andrew and me to be beautifully visible in a world that undermines marriage.

I want the mediations of my heart to be beautiful.

I want for each person who leaves my presence and my home to feel beautiful as a result of something I've said, or the way I've treated them.

It's more than looks to me.

I want to be beautiful.

Alone

I miss...
the sound of the door opening when he gets home.
the smell of his clothes when I hug him in welcome.
his warmth next to me as I sleep.
his voice waking me in the morning.

Andrew is out of town for the weekend, and although I've had wonderful friends keeping me company, I miss him. I can be in a room full of my favorite people, but if he's not there, I feel alone.

Co-dependent? No.

He's my best friend. Every joy and disappointment is shared with him.

I want to be where he is, celebrating with his family.
I want him to be here with me, where I can take care of him (he's sick).

But I'm thankful for this. It's easy to get busy with the baby and forget my need for unity with my husband.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

come home soon.

First Cry

Two posts in one day- I know- but I felt like this needed its own separate entry.

Isaiah's first cry is still fresh in my memory.
The delivery room was loud with the orders of the doctor, the nurse telling me to push, and the equipment making all sorts of noises.

And then there was the most helpless, indignant, glorious sound of Isaiah announcing his arrival. There's nothing like it.

Yesterday at church, we sang a favorite, " In Christ Alone."
The last verse left me too emotional to sing:

"No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand."

I'm terrified some nights that Isaiah won't wake up.
I worry all to often that Andrew won't make it home from work.
What a comfort to know that I'm not in control.

Jesus was there in that delivery room- singing over me, rejoicing with Andrew, and breathing life into my child's lungs. Nothing can touch us outside of the will of God- what a comfort to know that we're held by a Father that loves us even more that we love Isaiah. Unimagiable, but true.

I AM

Isaiah Andrew Murphy.
His initials are no coincidence- one reason we picked the name was the significance of the name "I AM." It's the name God used for Himself when He wanted to convey His omnipresence throughout time to the Isrealites. He was in the past, is in the present, and will be in the future. Unchangeable and immovable.

This rainy Monday morning, I decided to listen to my Nichole Nordeman CD...the song "I Am" is an old favorite- and I'm thankful to be reminded of it in this new stage. I don't usually like to read lyrics on other people's blogs..but I think this one is worth it.


Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed
You watched my team win
You watched my team lose
Watched when my bicycle went down again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Elbow Healer, Superhero
Come if You can
You said, I Am

Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10pm?
You saw my mistakes
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I'd never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And you said, I Am

You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is 2am
And when I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker
Hold onto my hand
You say, I Am

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am